Spotting Abusive Tactics

Every individual in an intimate partnership has different needs, interests and personality traits.  It’s unrealistic for one partner to assume the other partner will consistently meet expectations.  A normal, healthy relationship between two adults may include a difference of opinion, arguments or making statements later regretted.  However, it’s not normal – or healthy - when one partner always has to be right and lacks consideration for the desires, feelings and well-being of the other partner.**  Here are some typical types of intimate partner abuse:

Neglect:  Seldom being available for quality time together.  Making plans and then canceling them at the last minute or not meeting promises.    

Extreme selfishness:  Making decisions exclusively based on his own needs and desires.  Not including the welfare, wants and desires of the partner or children. 

Being secret as to whereabouts: Staying out until late at night or overnight and refusing to disclose where he has been or getting angry when questioned.  

Blaming:  Refusing to accept responsibility for his or her behavior.  Whatever happens is always the fault of the other partner.       

Rage attacks and criticism:  Making personal attacks against his partner, such as her way of doing things or criticizing her body.  

Bullying and controlling behavior:  Controlling what his partner does, who her friends are, what she spends, where she works, where she goes.  There may be excessive questioning, angry accusations, harassment and badgering. 

Public humiliation:  Embarrassing his partner in public by criticizing her or bringing up personal matters. Making jokes about subjects he knows make his partner feel vulnerable.

Destruction of personal or family property:  Throwing items, smashing glasses or dishes, punching holes in the wall, breaking his partner’s possessions. 

Shifting sands:  Sending out conflicting and contradictory messages or changing moods and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably.  The partner has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors.  

Gaslighting:  This is a term coined in the classic 1944 film Gaslight, in which the lead character comes to doubt her sanity as her husband deliberately manipulates her reality. 

Extramarital Affairs: Covertly or openly having affairs or inappropriate relationships.

 

Inducing fear:  Intentionally frightening his partner, such as driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making threats. 

Physical abuse:  This can range from unwanted touching to pushing and shoving to hitting or choking.  Sexual abuse includes demanding sex, forced sex, and sexual humiliation. 

Parental alienation:  Criticizing his partner in front of their children, lying to the children to turn them against their other parent.

These typical types of abuse are by no means the full extent of ways that abusers can hurt their partners.  People who are abusive can get creative in their methods of harm.  Regardless of the means, a hallmark of people who commit abuse toward others is that they refuse to take responsibility and often claim the partner deserved it.    

If you or someone you know has experienced emotional or physical abuse, I encourage you to seek help.  No one deserves to be abused.  

** Intimate partner abuse can happen in any couple whether they are opposite sex, same-sex, unmarried, married or in a civil union, and regardless of gender, age, religious or spiritual orientation, disability, or racial, ethnic or cultural identity.  People who abuse their partners can be male or female.           

Emotional Abuse is Hard to Recognize

When a woman comes into my counseling practice to get help with depression and relationship troubles, I often discover that her state of mind is the result of the way she is being treated by her intimate partner. She is convinced that his treatment is her fault and the relationship will get better if she only can improve her "flaws." What she doesn't realize is that she is a victim of emotional abuse.**

Emotional abuse is an insidious type of domestic violence in which the cuts and bruises are on the inside. The abuser whittles away at his partner's self-esteem until she is filled with self-doubt and no longer listens to her intuition. She loses her ability to determine what's true and what's not. It is a particularly effective method of manipulation and control, especially when it's used against someone who has a profound emotional investment in the relationship.

The woman is usually able to describe the details of her partner's treatment, but rarely does she realize the resulting destruction to her self-esteem. She internalizes the criticism and feels shame. She discounts her feelings, perceptions, or aspects of her personality.

Emotional abuse can be obvious or subtle. Obvious abuse includes ridiculing, belittling, public humiliation, yelling or name-calling. Subtle abuse is often disguised as harmless behavior. Tactics include denial, undermining, emotional abandonment, monopolizing a partner's time or minimizing a partner's feelings.

Regardless of the method, the victim tends to make excuses or take the blame. This is especially true in higher socioeconomic levels in which one or both partners have a formal education and elevated status in the community. The belief is that domestic abuse doesn't happen to "people like us."

In both types of emotional abuse, there is no consideration of the other's feelings or attempt to compromise. There is no effort to gain knowledge or understanding of the partner or find effective ways of relating. The recipient is left with a deep sadness and loneliness that she can't explain.

What she may not realize is that her partner is using his personal power to dominate her for his own needs and desires. He does this by alternating between connection and disconnection with his victim, offering just enough warmth to keep his victim off-balance and wanting more. The victim is left with a desperate need for love and acceptance that is never fulfilled. The cycle she endures is no less than psychological torture. Eventually she is overcome with anguish and resorts to compromising her values to gain her partner's affection.

Tragically, without recognition and acceptance of the abuse, being a victim becomes a way of life. She learns to live with the trauma and emotional pain. Often she cannot imagine that another, entirely different kind of relationship is possible, one that consists of two separate and equal partners who share their personal power for mutual support and understanding.

** Abuse can happen in any close relationship, whether between opposite or same sex partners, family members, friends , or in social, work or school environments ; regardless of gender, age, religious or spiritual orientation or cultural identity. An abusive person can be male or female.