Friday, February 25, 2011

Emotional Abuse is Hard to Recognize

When a woman comes into my counseling practice to get help with depression and relationship troubles, I often discover that her state of mind is the result of the way she is being treated by her intimate partner. She is convinced that his treatment is her fault and the relationship will get better if she only can improve her "flaws." What she doesn't realize is that she is a victim of emotional abuse.**

Emotional abuse is an insidious type of domestic violence in which the cuts and bruises are on the inside. The abuser whittles away at his partner's self-esteem until she is filled with self-doubt and no longer listens to her intuition. She loses her ability to determine what's true and what's not. It is a particularly effective method of manipulation and control, especially when it's used against someone who has a profound emotional investment in the relationship.


The woman is usually able to describe the details of her partner's treatment, but rarely does she realize the resulting destruction to her self-esteem. She internalizes the criticism and feels shame. She discounts her feelings, perceptions, or aspects of her personality.

Emotional abuse can be obvious or subtle. Obvious abuse includes ridiculing, belittling, public humiliation, yelling or name-calling. Subtle abuse is often disguised as harmless behavior. Tactics include denial, undermining, emotional abandonment, monopolizing a partner's time or minimizing a partner's feelings.

Regardless of the method, the victim tends to make excuses or take the blame. This is especially true in higher socioeconomic levels in which one or both partners have a formal education and elevated status in the community. The belief is that domestic abuse doesn't happen to "people like us."

In both types of emotional abuse, there is no consideration of the other's feelings or attempt to compromise. There is no effort to gain knowledge or understanding of the partner or find effective ways of relating. The recipient is left with a deep sadness and loneliness that she can't explain.

What she may not realize is that her partner is using his personal power to dominate her for his own needs and desires. He does this by alternating between connection and disconnection with his victim, offering just enough warmth to keep his victim off-balance and wanting more. The victim is left with a desperate need for love and acceptance that is never fulfilled. The cycle she endures is no less than psychological torture. Eventually she is overcome with anguish and resorts to compromising her values to gain her partner's affection.

Tragically, without recognition and acceptance of the abuse, being a victim becomes a way of life. She learns to live with the trauma and emotional pain. Often she cannot imagine that another, entirely different kind of relationship is possible, one that consists of two separate and equal partners who share their personal power for mutual support and understanding.

** Abuse can happen in any close relationship, whether between opposite or same sex partners, family members, friends , or in social, work or school environments ; regardless of gender, age, religious or spiritual orientation or cultural identity. An abusive person can be male or female.

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